Saturday, December 19, 2009

Cameron's New Clothes


I'm going to be perfectly blunt: Avatar is not a good movie. It's not necessarily a bad film either, but it's very bland and plays it safe on almost every level. How does a film that cost nearly ten times the amount of District 9 have visuals that pale in comparison? Why do all the characters look like cartoons? Why is there so much out of place cursing? Why is Michelle Rodriguez playing herself yet again?

It's never a good sign when I can't name a single ancillary character's name one day after seeing a movie. The only reason I remember the protagonists name is that it's repeated ad naueseum. My brain is throwing up a 404 error with every concurrent review that I've read. Are these people seeing a different movie than I am? What, besides price, is Cameron revolutionizing in cinema?

I am seriously wondering if we are experiencing a Phantom Menace style mass delusion with this movie. We have convinced ourselves that this movie is so game changing that we see much more than is actually there. I think there is a very strong possibility that in a couple of weeks people will start realizing that this movie is not very good, and start attacking it ala Phantom Menace.

Spoiler Warning !!!

Ok, here's the gist: Jake Sully's brother is killed on the planet of Pandora. Jake is recruited by Evil corp to take his place in the Avatar program. Jake uses his Avatar to interact with the Na'vi while feeding intel to Colonel Scarhead. He is accepted instantly by the aliens while continuing to spy on them for Crazy Colonel. Jake falls in love with female protagonist alien and mates with her to the sound of incredibly cheesy music ripped off from Enya. The humans attack the Na'vi whilst they are cuddling and rips up a magic ancestor tree. Girl alien protagonist finds out that Jake has betrayed them and never wants to see him again. Jake jumps on a flying Deus Ex Machina and is suddenly the leader of the Na'vi. He unites all of the Na'vi tribes in twelve minutes and they mount a defense against the humans who are now gunning for their other magic ancestor tree. There is an epic fight where stuff blows up and alien dino chickens fight fat airplanes and bugocopters. The battle. of course, evolves into a one on one melee with Jake and Colonel Badguy climaxing with Alien girl protagonist perforating Badguy with arrows. The humans are kicked off of Pandora and the magic tree sucks Jake permanently into his Avatar. The end.

I just saved you thirty bucks.

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