Saturday, April 18, 2009

Jesus Hates Figs


There has undoubtedly been a time in your life when you were angered by a tree. The stupid leafy oxygen producing bastards are so damned smug it makes me sick. So it goes without saying that encountering an out of season fig tree should invoke rage and disgust from even the most meek.

What would Jesus do?

He would curse the hell out of that stupid tree.

Matthew 21:18-22

Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Mark 11:12-14, 19-25

The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.

When evening came, they went out of the city.

In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, `Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

So this either points to the son of God having a disturbing anger management issue, or he just enjoys being a dick. Why didn't he just curse the Romans? Does Jesus only possess vast arboreal powers that are inefficient against flesh. Is Jesus the Aquaman of religious figures, only possessing crappy and extremely limited superpowers?

Perhaps these are just apocryphal stories that have no basis in History or reality. Curiouser and curiouser. More>>

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Thank You Senator Gronstal

This very brief statement by Iowa Senator Gronstal could be extremely prescient. It gives me hope for the future. More>>

Monday, April 6, 2009

Randi at Butler.

I'm going to be attending James Randi's lecture at Butler University tomorrow, so to get in the spirit and to celevrate the JREF's Youtube resurrection let's check out Why We Still Believe. More>>

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Moral of the Story: Bears Can Be Mean


I for one believe that all of our morals and values come from the Bible. I thought I would start a new feature here at ISOH to clarify how specific Bible verses can be applied to the morals of our present.

I will begin this undertaking with 2 Kings 2:23-24 24:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

I lied about the morality thing as this is just an opportunity to mercilessly mock Biblical scripture. The high road is for other blogs.

Elisha, much like Larry David, was a bald man. Also like Mr. David, he seems to operate on another plain of human interaction than the rest of us.

Instead of loudly arguing with someone about who's responsibility the return of a shirt is or refusing to take a house tour, Elisha asks God to kill some mocking children with a fucking bear.

So apparently it is ok to murder through an Ursine proxy. This is something that I was unaware of and I will see if I can twist this into my advantage.

I wonder how difficult it would be to train some bears to become my servants. I suppose I could always just pray for the bears to smite my enemies...although I've been trying to do that for years to no avail. Maybe I should try to pray directly to the bears. More>>
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