Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Moral of the Story: Bears Can Be Mean


I for one believe that all of our morals and values come from the Bible. I thought I would start a new feature here at ISOH to clarify how specific Bible verses can be applied to the morals of our present.

I will begin this undertaking with 2 Kings 2:23-24 24:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

I lied about the morality thing as this is just an opportunity to mercilessly mock Biblical scripture. The high road is for other blogs.

Elisha, much like Larry David, was a bald man. Also like Mr. David, he seems to operate on another plain of human interaction than the rest of us.

Instead of loudly arguing with someone about who's responsibility the return of a shirt is or refusing to take a house tour, Elisha asks God to kill some mocking children with a fucking bear.

So apparently it is ok to murder through an Ursine proxy. This is something that I was unaware of and I will see if I can twist this into my advantage.

I wonder how difficult it would be to train some bears to become my servants. I suppose I could always just pray for the bears to smite my enemies...although I've been trying to do that for years to no avail. Maybe I should try to pray directly to the bears.

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