Saturday, April 18, 2009

Jesus Hates Figs


There has undoubtedly been a time in your life when you were angered by a tree. The stupid leafy oxygen producing bastards are so damned smug it makes me sick. So it goes without saying that encountering an out of season fig tree should invoke rage and disgust from even the most meek.

What would Jesus do?

He would curse the hell out of that stupid tree.

Matthew 21:18-22

Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Mark 11:12-14, 19-25

The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.

When evening came, they went out of the city.

In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!"

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, `Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

So this either points to the son of God having a disturbing anger management issue, or he just enjoys being a dick. Why didn't he just curse the Romans? Does Jesus only possess vast arboreal powers that are inefficient against flesh. Is Jesus the Aquaman of religious figures, only possessing crappy and extremely limited superpowers?

Perhaps these are just apocryphal stories that have no basis in History or reality. Curiouser and curiouser.

1 comment:

  1. Sort of throws a whole new light on the man who preaches "turn the other cheek." I had no idea this was in there. What an ass.


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